Copy of LESSON #3: TRANSITIONING FROM EMOTIONAL COMMUNICATION TO INTUITIVE COMMUNICATION
Transitioning from Emotional Communication to Intuitive Communication
Music speaks to the spirit. Please follow the links to musical pieces specifically chosen to enhance the class experience.
Prior to the Class:
Please listen to Thomas Bergersen – Before Time (Sun): YouTube | Spotify
At the End of the Class:
Please listen to Serenade To Spring – Secret Garden YouTube | Spotify
In this lesson, we will learn how to communicate with others in a way that doesn’t unsettle us, knock us off center, or lower our vibrational frequency.
Communication based on emotions inevitably leads to emotional turmoil and drama, which result in downfalls.
In contrast, communication rooted in intuition, which is the voice of the spirit, ensures stability, harmony, and the maintenance of a high frequency.
Communication Based on Emotions –The Aggressive, Angry Type and the Timid, Appeasing Type
Human communication can be divided into two types: Communication based on emotions and communication based on intuition.
Since most people today are controlled by the emotional “Drama Queen”, the prevalent communication in our time is emotionally based.
What’s the problem with this?
Even if we have positive emotions and everything flows smoothly, these emotions can easily turn into negative ones because emotions are inherently labile.
Let’s take an example where someone close to me hurls this accusation at me: “You’re the most selfish person in the world!”
If I’m an emotional, aggressive or irritable type, I’ll likely attack back angrily saying something like: “I’m selfish?! You’re the one who never gives anything back and even forgets to thank me for everything I do for you! From now on, I’m going to teach you what being selfish really means! You won’t get anything from me anymore!
The irritable, aggressive type always thinks he is right, so he constantly attacks out of anger. Over time, this type becomes chronically grumpy and bitter.
On the other hand, if I’m an appeasing type and someone says to me: “You’re the most selfish person in the world!” the emotions that will arise in me will be fear and guilt. I’ll start thinking thoughts like: “Maybe I wasn’t considerate enough? Maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I really am selfish?” Then I’ll start trying to appease them and say something like: “I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you… I really was wrong… Tell me what you need and I’ll do exactly what you want…”
Over time, the appeasing type – who internalizes every criticism and blame thrown at him by those around him –becomes depressed.
However, although most people who are controlled by their emotional consciousness have a dominant emotional tendency, they usually combine the two types and move between anger and fear, between aggression and guilt, and into appeasement.
For example: A mother who is an irritable, short-tempered type and bursts out in anger at her child during the day because he did something that annoyed her, at night, however, when she enters his room to cover him with a blanket and sees him sleeping like an angel, will feel guilty.
Or: A guy everyone perceives as quiet and kind-hearted because he never loses his temper. In reality, however, what they fail to see is that he is an appeasing type who internalizes everything. This type is like a seemingly dormant volcano, quietly accumulating enormous pressure of hot magma below its surface. One day, this type will suddenly erupt at everyone, without anyone around him understanding what happened to him…
These two types, controlled by the “Drama Queen,” do, in fact, live in a constant hyper-emotional, dramatic state, which prevents the formation of harmonious relationships. This state drains them of enormous energy, knocks them off their center, lowers their vibrational frequency, and ultimately leads to physical ailments.
Although they appear to be complete opposites, both are actually focused solely on themselves – on their ego!
The aggressive type thinks he’s always right and will constantly fight to defend his ego.
The appeasing type doesn’t act this way out of concern for the well-being of others, but because he is too weak to stand his ground, and fears rejection and loss of affection from others.
When our spirit is weak and we are controlled by our emotions, we actually need to constantly draw energy from others. Therefore, even when we offer help, it’s not from a pure place of concern for the other’s well-being, but from a place where we seek recognition for our good deed, so we can be validated, and draw energy by it.
You all surely know people who chase after you offering to help, and after they finish helping and go on their way, you feel completely exhausted. (Therefore, you will make a point of avoiding them altogether next time they offer help…)
Thus, even the appeasing type actually thinks only of himself and does not want his ego to be hurt.
If your life experiences have also led you to conclude that it is problematic to communicate with people when your emotions are in control – then you’re ready to start learning spirit-based communication and to learn to speak the language of love.
Spirit-Based Communication – What is Right and Beneficial for the Highest Good of the Human Being
Spirit-led communication is based on love.
But before we start learning to communicate from a place of love, we need to redefine the concept of love, as it has been severely distorted.
Love is not a feel-good, “warm and fuzzy” emotion that can easily turn into hatred. Nor is it the idealized version we see in romantic Hollywood films.
Love is what benefits the human spirit. In other words, it is what serves a person’s highest good, whether it pleases him or not!
This definition of love is so revolutionary that it’s worth pausing for a moment and reading it again.
Let’s consider a simple example of such love: A mother who doesn’t allow her child to sit for hours in front of the TV or other electronic screens while eating junk food is acting in her child’s best interest, not according to what pleases or makes the child happy.
But because the concept of love has been distorted and everyone treats it as an emotion, we will coin a new term for love, related to the spirit, and from now on we will use it: “True-love”
“Love your Neighbor as Yourself” does not Mean ‘Self-Love’
The original meaning of the famous guideline that appears in the bible: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Leviticus 19:18) is true love.
But this guideline – which Jesus also greatly emphasized – does not primarily call for “self-love” as a prerequisite for loving another person.
Someone with spiritual consciousness will immediately feel uncomfortable with the phrase “self-love” because it, indeed, relates to selfishness.
But why, then, does it say, “as thyself”?
Because in ancient times, love was not perceived as a pleasant, “warm and fuzzy” emotion, but as a high ideal to which the human spirit should aspire!
Therefore, before we set out to spread “light and love” and embrace the whole world, we first need to face our own flaws and inner falsehoods head-on and work to purify them. This process requires strict discipline.
In other words, we need to dismantle the ego, which is the false personality created by the two jailers, so that the spirit within us can be free, and then we will also act out of true-love.
When we reach this state, we can actually give our corrected being to our neighbor. Only then can we guide our neighbor into this ideal by pointing to him his flawed traits and strengthening his positive qualities.
Therefore, “Love your neighbor as yourself” means: “Share your corrected being with your neighbor.” In essence, before you can guide your neighbor to reach the true-love ideal through strict discipline, you must first achieve it yourself.
(This guideline, given to us by Jesus, has an even broader meaning, which we will explore in lesson seven.)
So, How did “Self-Love” Become a Brand?
As intellectual and emotional consciousnesses replaced spiritual consciousness, psychology and humanistic philosophies took the guideline “Love your neighbor as yourself” to justify “self-love.”
On one hand, the concept of ‘healthy narcissism’ has been endorsed, promoting self-importance and self-worth. However, in its extreme form, this can devolve into arrogance and excessive self-adoration.
On the other hand, doing “what feels good” – meaning whatever is pleasant, comfortable and indulges my emotions – was legitimized.
But the constant preoccupation with “loving myself”, “feeling good about myself”, and the endless attempts to fill a void within myself from external sources – like more shopping, more hugs, more courses, and more treatments – will not lead anyone to true love.
Because whoever puts himself at the center and always revolves around himself will ultimately be devoid of love and satisfaction.
After the emotional “high” passes that one gets from a new purchase, a new course, or a new partner, the same feeling of emptiness will rise again, along with the search for something new to fill it.
This, too, is precisely the way to become selfish.
Because a selfish person is not a happy person who loves himself, but a person who is constantly engaged in a desperate attempt to fill himself up from outside sources, like a bottomless pit.
Therefore, we must remember that true-love is what benefits the highest good of the spirit and not what ‘feels good’ to the ego.
Intuitive Communication: Neutralizing Emotions in a Gentle Manner or with Clear, Firm Boundaries
Now that we understand true-love, let’s return to the purpose of this lesson: learning to communicate from the spirit with everyone we encounter.
The foundation for any conversation or interaction should be the understanding that to communicate from the spirit, we must first neutralize our emotions and ego.
To do this out of true-love for our fellow man, we need to constantly use our intuition, because sometimes what will benefit his spirit is a gentle approach, while at other times, it requires setting a firm boundary.
Gentleness
Let’s return to the example where someone close to me comes and hurls this accusation at me: “You’re the most selfish person in the world!”
If my spirit is strong, and I’m not busy defending my ego – either by attacking or appeasing – using a gentle approach, I can decipher the real need hiding behind this accusation, and then the person’s aggression will dissolve on its own.
To do this, we can do the following:
a) Disarmament: When someone attacks us and we say to him: “You’re right!” (even if he is only 1% right…), his Drama Queen and Army General immediately “lay down their arms” because they realize there is no enemy before them. As the person feels understood, he calms down, and then we can start a conversation that is not based on heated emotions.
b) Empathy: When we are able to “put ourselves in someone else’s shoes”, we can uncover – through our intuition – the need hidden behind the accusation.
c) Asking Questions: When someone attacks me and I ask questions that try to deeply understand the attacker’s problem, it helps to transition from the aggressive language of emotions to the true-love language of the spirit.
Uncovering the Need Behind the Accusatory Attack
One day, my middle son came home from school hungry and tired; he opened the fridge, didn’t find what he was looking for, and snapped angrily: “There’s nothing to eat in this house!” and slammed the fridge door.
This is a classic case of the Army General launching an attack due to unmet basic needs (and not an emotional activation of the Drama Queen).
But my Drama Queen could have been hurt by his attack –because she sees herself as the best mom in the world – and therefore could have reacted angrily: “There’s nothing to eat in this house?! Maybe if I stop going to the supermarket four times a week to stock the fridge, you’ll learn to appreciate your mom who works so hard for you!”
But this response would likely have provoked an argument with my teenage son. In this case, his angry Drama Queen would have entered the picture and, together with his hungry Army General, they would have joined forces for an all-out war that would have far exceeded what was or wasn’t in the fridge.
Alternatively, my Drama Queen could have felt guilty that his favorite food wasn’t in the fridge because I hadn’t gone to the supermarket that day, and so I would have answered him in an appeasing tone: “I’m really sorry… I apologize, sweetie… Do you maybe want me to order something for you?”
Such a response, which doesn’t set a boundary to his disrespectful language, would have only fueled his anger and caused him to become angrier and more disrespectful.
These two options belong to the language of emotions, but I wanted to communicate from the spirit. So, I took a deep breath, muted my inner Drama Queen, and said to my son: “You’re right!” I acknowledged that while there wasn’t anything he wanted to eat, there was still food in the house.
My disarming response immediately calmed both his inner Army General and Drama Queen. I then added empathetically, “It must be really frustrating to come home hungry and tired after eight hours at school and an hour on the bus, only to find nothing appealing in the fridge”.
However, this didn’t completely neutralize these two instigators of sensations and emotions. So, I started asking questions, aiming to uncover the real need behind his complaint.
After several questions which failed to bring any results, I finally hit upon the right one: ‘Would you like me to make you some tasty pancakes and bring them up to your room?”
Suddenly, all his feelings of anger dissipated as if they never existed, and he smiled at me and nodded his head.
Why? Because with the help of my intuition, I managed to identify his real need: To get a little attention from mom…
Why do we struggle to ask for what we need?
The primary reason our needs go unmet is our failure to express our requests clearly and specifically.
Why do we speak about things in an indirect way, and yet expect others to instantly decipher or guess our needs? Why do we choose to either attack or play the victim, rather than calmly articulating our needs?
The answer lies in our conditioning: we’ve often been taught that asking for what we need is pushy and selfish, while ignoring our needs is polite, considerate, and unobtrusive. (We even whisper our birthday wish, ensuring no one hears…)
However, this very avoidance leads to ‘blow-up’ arguments, communication breakdowns, negative emotions, and a decrease in our vibrational frequency.
A Story Many Women Can Relate To
A young, devoted mother, lovingly raising her small children, desperately needs time to recharge. This could mean attending a fitness class, reading a book, taking a solitary walk in nature, or meeting a friend for coffee.
Instead of communicating this need directly and harmoniously to her partner, her inner Drama Queen opts for war from the moment her partner walks through the door:
“You’re always busy with your work and never help me!” she accuses angrily. (The Drama Queen thrives on generalizations…)
The alternative emotional response would be blaming herself. As soon as the door opens, she bursts into uncontrollable tears, lamenting, “All other women can balance motherhood and career and only I am such a failure.”
Exhausted from his own demanding day, her partner becomes frustrated by his wife’s sudden attack or uncontrolled crying. Unaware that this is orchestrated by her controlling inner Drama Queen, he feels helpless – he can’t simply quit his job to be home more, nor does he know how to convince his wife she’s not a failure.
If she then adds, ‘If you truly loved me, you’d know what I want without me having to ask,’ he’s likely to withdraw and disconnect from her completely.
What happens next can vary culturally, but often, he’ll resort to coping by: cracking open a beer, escaping into video games, or simply falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV.
This woman, unable to directly express her needs, not only fails to get what she needs but ultimately ends up losing even more.
Sometimes we’re terrified to express what we need –particularly women, who in certain cultures are still conditioned to ignore their own needs in favor of the needs of others. Because if our emotions control us, we shy away from risking hearing “no” and feeling rejected.
In contrast, those who strengthen their spirit will completely transform the way they communicate. Because a person with spiritual consciousness asks for what he needs and, more often than not, his needs are met.
Further, even when his needs aren’t met, he will remain untroubled, because a person with a strong spirit cannot be offended!
Remember this very important fact: only the ego can take offense.
In our example, the woman will simply find the right moment and with a genuine smile, she’ll make a very clear and specific request to her partner: “Could you please come home a bit earlier one evening a week, so you can put the children to bed instead of me? I need some time to recharge.”
What man would refuse such a request? Most likely, she’ll get what she needs and more!
Setting a Clear, Firm Boundary
To achieve spirit-based rather than emotion-based communication, we sometimes need to set a clear, firm boundary for others. This, too, is an act of true-love.
However, the concept of “setting boundaries” is also often misunderstood nowadays.
Many think that boundaries imply a lack of love or that they are punishments born from anger. On the other hand, they think that those who truly love always give wholeheartedly, without limits or restrictions. However, in reality, the inability to set boundaries distances a person from true love.
When we allow negativity or harmful behavior to persist or strengthen in another by failing to set boundaries, we’re not providing what truly benefits his spirit!
Setting a boundary means being assertive but not aggressive, just as being gentle does not mean being weak.
Aggression and weakness stem from the language of emotions, while assertiveness and gentleness arise from the language of the spirit.
Therefore, when our intuition guides us to set a clear boundary, we should do so firmly but not aggressively.
The boundary should address an unworthy trait or behavior in someone– not reject their entire being. When we set boundaries from this right perspective, we will never harbor anger or hatred. Moreover, once the person corrects this trait or behavior, we can seamlessly and harmoniously resume our relationship, free of resentment.
One can set a boundary and remain firm while still offering a smile, provided it is for the highest good of the person involved.
This is the essence of true love.
Righteous Wrath versus Anger – Moses, Jesus, and Elijah
Righteous wrath is the ability to set boundaries without emotions, for the highest good of others without seeking personal gain.
In this state, our spirit receives more of the Power necessary to navigate challenging situations and discern the right path forward.
As such, righteous wrath embodies true love. When we act from this place, we are energized and gain clarity about our path and the decisions we need to make.
In contrast, anger forms when we add emotion to righteous wrath. At this point, our focus shifts from what is best for another to our own ego.
Anger depletes our energy, severs our connection to the intuition, clouds our ability to perceive the right path, and leads us to make wrong decisions.
In the biblical account of the Ten Commandments, Moses shattered the covenant tablets upon descending Mount Sinai and discovering the Israelites worshipping a golden calf. This act wasn’t born of anger, but of righteous wrath, aimed at realigning the Israelites with God’s Will (Exodus 32:19).
Similarly, when Jesus overturned the money changers’ tables in the Great Temple, accusing them of desecration, he did not act out of anger but out of righteous wrath. His goal was to restore order to his Father’s house and purify the Temple (John 2:13-16).
In contrast, the prophet Elijah was relieved of his prophetic mission when his righteous wrath became tainted with emotion, transforming into anger and zealotry. This shift disconnected him from the power of love, leaving him consumed by a desire for vengeance against the Israelites who worshipped Baal and Asherah (1 Kings 19).
In Conclusion: To determine whether your boundary-setting stems from righteous wrath or anger, ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you energized or drained after setting the boundary?
2. Do you feel clarity or confusion about your next steps?
3. Are your actions motivated by true love or by hate?
4. Are you prioritizing the highest good of others or serving your own ego?
No One Has the Power to Drive Me Crazy
A person with a strong spirit never blames another if he is gripped by his emotions. He knows that the other person merely acts as a catalyst, revealing what’s already within him, and that external events are simply lessons for him.
Once, during a live seminar in northern Argentina, a young accountant in the audience challenged me:
“I can’t accept what you said that no one is to blame for my negative emotions!”
He went on to describe to everyone at the seminar his office partner, painting a picture of an unbearable character who managed to drive him crazy every time they crossed paths.
“Every morning, I wake up in a great mood,” he explained. “But the moment I encounter him, everything changes. How can I not blame him for my anger? He is the one provoking me!”
At that moment, the answer to his question came to me in the form of a story:
Imagine this scenario,” I began. “You wake up to a day that starts badly. Your wife, frowning, complains you don’t help her around the house, sparking an argument. Amid this, you receive an email from the bank warning that all your checks will bounce due to insufficient funds.
“Irritated and angry, you leave the house and board the bus to a job you despise. Suddenly, a fellow passenger spills his entire coffee cup on your pants.”
The young man listened intently, but didn’t understand where I was going with this hypothetical story.
“How would you react to the coffee-spiller?” I asked.
“Umm…I’d probably explode with anger,” he admitted. “But I still don’t see how this proves I’m solely responsible for my negative emotions.”
I smiled, asked him to stay with me for just a little while longer, and continued:
“Now, picture a different morning. You wake up and your wife greets you with a smile, calling you the most amazing man alive. You check your lottery ticket to find you’ve won ten million dollars!
“Ecstatic, you leave the house and board the bus, eager to tell your boss you quit. Then, someone on the bus spills his coffee on your pants.”
The young man smiled at this, and I repeated my question:
“How would you react to the person who spilled coffee on you?”
“Who cares?” he answered. By this time his smile had turned into a roaring laughter. “It’s my last day ever riding a bus! With ten million in the bank, I’ll be driving the Mercedes of my dreams!
This story enabled me to illustrate how the same situation – a coffee spill on the bus – can trigger vastly different reactions based on one’s inner state.
Moreover, the stronger and more centered our spirit, the less we are swayed by the emotions of people around us. Instead, we begin to view every experience as a welcomed lesson and an opportunity for growth.
A person with a strong spirit remains steadfast, resistant to being energetically pulled into another’s emotional orbit. He possesses the ability to objectively address any situation or claim directed at him without compromising his vibrational frequency level or falling into an endless cycle of anger, fear, or guilt.
This strength stems from his knowledge that:
When we allow others to destabilize us, knock us off our center, or lower our vibrational frequency, we’re essentially allowing them to control us!
In Conclusion
I’d like to conclude this lesson with two important pieces of advice:
a. Slow down and take your time.
The shift from ego-driven, emotional communication to intuition-based communication is a gradual process. That is why as you embark on this journey, practice taking a moment to pause before you respond to situations.
During these intentional pauses, reflect on these key questions:
– What’s driving my reaction: emotion or intuition?
– Am I operating from emotional consciousness or spiritual consciousness?
If you find turbulent emotions at the core of your response, if possible, it’s wise to delay your reaction by a few hours or even days if necessary.
b. Don’t beat yourself up in the process.
When first encountering this lesson, many believe they can immediately and easily apply it, having grasped its principle. However, real-life application often proves challenging. People frequently find themselves slipping back into emotional reactions, communicating from a place of anger or guilt.
When this happens, it’s common to beat yourself up: “I know better, so why am I repeating this mistake?”
However, beating ourselves hinders our spiritual growth. Remember, the ability to recognize the difference between emotion-driven and spirit-based communication is already a significant step forward.
From every fall, we should learn the lesson; get up quickly and keep moving forward and upward!